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Inspiration

It’s been twenty days since my last confession. Ha! Just kidding, it’s been twenty days since my last blog post, not confession. I only write confession because, when I sit down and calm my thoughts, it feels as though I am confessing and connecting with them on another level.

Anyway, to get back to where I last left you, I have been practicing living in what I call, “In the moment.” This sense of only worrying about what is directly in front of me, helps to engage, communicate, and respond more effectively to what is actually occurring. This does not mean, I am managing my time and energy more effectively, but it allows me to learn more in daily life than ever before.

For example, I attended one of my closest friend’s wedding this past Saturday. The day started by waking up overly dehydrated from the night’s prior over indulgence of Tequila and good times. I had approximately 3 hours to transfer myself from one friend’s, to another, to catch a ride to the hotel, to get showered, dolled up, connect with teammates, catch the shuttle and arrive at the ceremony on time. Seems like a bit of a stretch if you ask me. So, how does one exert enough focus on the immediate tasks at hand?

PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE. Stop responding to the internet. The internet will always be there and I understand the fear of missing out more than you know. So, fast forward two and a half hours, you would find myself scrambling because I have completely displaced my phone. Immediately, I think, “oh well!!!” I don’t need my phone because there will be a photographer and I’ll be surrounded by friends who I love and adore. Then anxiety sets in, because, “um hello have you met Natalie?” Meaning, if I walk that scenario out, I am afraid my state of mind at the end of the evening may need a phone for God knows what. I beg my friend to run and check with me if my phone is in the car. We have nine minutes to return and catch the shuttle, we can do this! Seven minutes later, we find the phone perched upright on the seat where it slipped from my pocket. We celebrate pointing with excitement, grab it, and quickly head back toward the shuttle. Then we receive a call that the shuttle has left. Ugh.

Luckily, there is a final shuttle supposed to depart in the next fifteen minutes. Phew!!! That was intense panic and sheer craziness. All for a phone that doesn’t do much more than connect me to the world. Skip over the amazingly beautiful day filled with love and find me sleeping the next morning in a room with five of my past teammates. We wake up to discuss how grateful we feel for the celebration and to check our phones. To my surprise, my phone has several photos, first is of my bag fallen over with my belongings strewed across the ground. This is ironic because my morning felt exactly like this photo. Then there are a multitude of group photos, sweaty dancing photos, a million and one videos of guests dancing all recorded by, not me. I am still smiling ear to ear because even though I could have done without my phone at the wedding, I cannot wait to sporadically send clips to the bride and groom so they can re-live their day, year after year.

True love inspires me. My closest friends and family bring me such joy that I find it nearly impossible to sustain a balanced life in today’s society. Lastly, I was scrolling through blogs online with catchy titles luring reader’s to gain inspiration from other writers, to publish simultaneously on multiple platforms, deepen engagement with video, etc. This hurt me to my core. There is nothing more inspiring, more engaging, and more meaningful than spending time with the people you love. So, if you have read this far, you can see how I process information, how living in the moment is much more gratifying than ever. Keep listening to your loved ones. Even if your Dad says, “Natalie, you don’t have to be everyone’s social worker.” Expend as much energy as possible sharing love and finding balance. Love is not simple, it’s messy, not always post worthy, it can only be served as a guide to life.

The Natalie Stauber

My sister was kind enough to share feedback regarding my behavior patterns recently and it got me thinking (more than my normal over-thinking-thinking). I tend to pride myself on being courageous even while others presume it to be risk taking. So, the more I thought about her feedback, I found it to be deeply meaningful and necessary.

Unpredictable. If someone were to label you unpredictable, how would you respond?

Volatile. If someone were to label your behavior as volatile, how would you respond?

I ask these questions because that’s what I asked myself. Even as I type this, I become aware of the scowl on my brow bone that has since formed my face into an angry exterior. This face was quite possibly the face my sister saw as she told me I was, not only, unpredictable, but my behaviors are volatile (if you haven’t googled the definition of volatile yet, I’ll have you know it’s not an exciting descriptor). I do not intend to have this image of anger on my face, but it comes with my thoughts. I have to think, not only about how I am choosing to respond to her words, her feelings, and her experience, but now that I am aware of this burning scowl my thoughts have created on my face, I have to tell my face to relax, and sort through her perception of me at the same time. Read that again because I just had to as well (might be a run on and I’m fully aware).

Whether my face says it, or not, I am not angry about feedback. I am curious. I am so curious about people’s perception it throws me for one hell of a loop. So much so, that I analyze my every behavior down to the very moment I became angry with men (ha that sounds funny to say out-loud).

My unpredictability is not planned. It is simply an expression of my anger at men. I would like also to be very clear, this anger is not from one man, not from a multitude of men, but from the American societal construction of what a man should be. Which, I find is not men, at all. I am in fact angry at how men and women must behave in order to fit in society’s expectations.

I have absolutely zero clue what I am doing when I scowl at my sister as she tells me I can act with extreme volatility. How can I be so unaware of this? Well, the easy answer is, I am unlike my sister, BUT that’s what makes us individuals. That is also what allows me to be inspired by her communication with me. Take a look at the person next to you, how can you learn from them? How about an intimate partner or loving older sister or brother, are you able to listen (without scowling) effectively? Can we as humans become more aware of what is truly driving our action just by listening to the people who love us?

I’ll volunteer first to do so.

Courageousness

Upon entering the Leadership and Change Master’s program, I had experienced transformational change on multiple occasions. Most of these changes were when surrounded by other learners. When trying to make sense of the program switching to an online format, I reflected on my previous educational opportunities and I found similarities. First, the other learners; who were they, how did they impact my learning, and were they different from me? Second, the topic; what did it mean to me personally, how did it relate to what I was currently studying, and how would it inform my future behavior? Lastly, personal reflections refocus each learning outcome to eventually allow the information to stick long term. This paper will review concepts covered in the Seminar on the Cape, my daily interpretations of the course, and how it lead to a transformational change.

We began this seminar by creating a psychological contract between the group, which would inform our boundaries and time together. It was an important piece of the seminar because it set the tone for the learning. Based on my perception of previous classes, this group was special because each of us needed to overcome the fear of learning via zoom and it needed to happen fast. The group worked in both a large group and small groups. This distinction was beneficial because the folks felt more confident opening up in the small group to discuss what they viewed as small issues. Whereas, some folks were uncomfortable bringing a discussion point to the large group to be dissected. The behavior of the group eventually developed as folks became more confident and trusting. The topic of carrying on crucial conversations was laid out by the Gervase Bushe Clearleadership video (2012), that described how to mentally prepare for how a conversation may go, reserving judgement, owning personal experience, and not taking on the responsibility of other’s experiences. Right away, on the first day of the course, interpersonal clarity was achieved. Each individual was able to overcome their fear and begin active collaboration. While the first day was focused on individual interactions, it demonstrated the impact on the larger group as the group explained during check outs.

Day two began with check ins, where the group realized how tremendous the first day had been. The topics of active listening, discerning observations, thoughts, feelings, and wants allowed the group to become more self-aware. The experience cube encouraged the group to break up the normal human tendencies of processing experiences. I however, tend to think, feel, and act on both logic and emotion depending on the situation. If it is a situation at home, with family, I tend to respond emotionally. If it is a situation at work, with co-workers, I think more logically. I think this distinction is in my learned behavior knowing my family will love me no matter what. Now that I practice using my curious self, I have more opportunities to be loved without pushing the boundaries. I can be my logical authentic self and be loved just as hard as if I were broken and emotional. This helps me to identify with others because I can push them to be authentic without being argumentative or abrasive. I can ask curious questions to understand their perspective, rather than provide an opinion with the option to agree or disagree. I found myself emotional at the end of class because of the breakthroughs each person experienced during the exercises. I also believe I was called to be in this class, but now I am feeling the calling is something more than class, or the program. I think I have the opportunity to change my path and lead others in a different way than how I was lead in the past.

Each day of the seminar, a deeper layer of discussion opened our minds further. One day, I felt sad because I had been working toward generative change in my organization and department. Since that job has been eliminated, I was worried that the work I was doing will be left behind. The people I was helping facilitate discussions were becoming more confident, behaving differently, and maintaining openness to change. I realized after class that if I done the work the best I could have, then the folks will take the committee work on and feel empowered to continue the change. Reframing this in my mind helped me to let go of the feelings of sadness and feel confident that my people will continue to practice collaborating on decisions. I also found this narrative powerful. In previous classes, like OB, OD, diversity and inclusion, we discussed this mindset of being self-aware. I was able to use this to reframe my assumption that no one would continue the work I had started. This idea of generative change and clear leadership align perfectly with the principles of OD. I also see how valuable these principles are because the more people practice the concepts the more they change and develop further. It genuinely is a continuous improvement process that holds true to the main principles. This helps me to be a better leader because I can make changes in my own patterns of behavior. I can continue to learn about myself, my assumptions, and act accordingly. My intentions were to lead the group at work to eventually lead each other and if I truly believe that, I will not be sad because they have the tools I presented to rise to the occasion.

While these reflections are mostly processing my own intentions, it is beneficial for how I interact within the group. I insist on asking questions to maximize the group’s expectations and self-organized stimulation. This seminar was instrumental in helping me identify my abilities in personal relationships and professional relationship. One of the twenty-two manager’s at my previous organization re-connects with me on a bi-weekly basis. We check in with each other and discuss personal well-being, professional goals, outcomes, and concerns. In our last conversation, he told me my name came up, yet again, in a meeting. This time, the sentiment of the group was that the technician empowerment committee that I began had made a great deal of an impact for the pharmacies and even though I was no longer there to facilitate the meetings, it needed to continue. I became overwhelmed with gratitude to the Leadership and Change program and the multitude of people I am able to work with.

Whether, I am learning in a seminar with extremely special individuals, or determined to make a difference at my organization, I am confident my courageousness will lead to other’s successes and that will be my greatest accomplishments in life. The people we meet in life are always going to be different from us and that generates optimal growth opportunities. Following a model may not be the easiest for all folks, but that is how encouraging openness and resilience drives innovation among groups. Trust other people are telling their perception of their truth. Online or in person, people will need help to overcome challenges. Find the commonalities among people and continue to look inward for answers.

Pain Free Friday

People perceive pain differently. One person may think, pain can be only physical. Another, may be suffering with the worst mental pain possible. I don’t want to be the one that says the first person is wrong, but I want to tell the second it’s going to be okay.

Since I’ve been working in the hospital setting, I’ve gotten to learn more about pain. Since I’ve also had the hardest year, I’ve gotten to try new ways to ease mental pain. It’s a special time in my life, where I feel as if I’m in a waiting room. I’m saying special because I’m trying to be positive about my situation. I was on the phone with my Grandpa the other day, and his response to me was, “my gosh, when are things going to go right for Natty Anne?” And I cried. I held it together to say goodbye, and I cried, hard. Not only have I felt like that statement was true for a while, but I never wanted others to see it. I want to feel special. So, I’m going to say, this is a fricken great time to be in this damn waiting room.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about mental pain and the damage it can cause. Once someone is damaged, is there a way to feel better? Or is someone considered damaged goods once they’ve been hurt? As far as physical pain goes, I read about interpreting pain in those that can’t easily tell us when they are in pain. First, check their facial expression, then their legs, followed by their amount of activity, their cry, and finally whether or not they can be consoled. Do they feel better when they are comforted by a touch, hug or someone talking to them?

Once I read that, I thought about my everyday life right now. I go through the day waiting for someone to talk to me. Since I can’t be comforted by a touch or hug all day long, I hope that a certain someone will talk to me. I reach out to my close friends asking for comfort and conversation to fill the void. It’s scary, really. But for some reason, I think it’s going to be okay. The damage I carry isn’t something that will go away, but it can be healed by a smile, a cry, a touch, a hug, and a talk. Maybe many of those, but I’ll feel better some day. It’s okay that people see it too. Sometimes it’s easier for others to see your pain before you can tell them about it. Not everyone may perceive your pain the same, but that’s just a minor detail.

I’m thankful everyday that I get to be in this waiting room. I get to learn more about myself and others everyday. I have a weird feeling that the more I talk, and share, the more I can help others feel better too. So, I hope today, is a pain free Friday. So, smile, or cry, or hug whomever you need to feel okay. Even if it’s just for a day.

Finding My Motivation

Aligning my life with athletics hasn’t always been easy. I didn’t think it was a priority most of the time, but my subconscious has a passion for teamwork. I’ve learned how to hone this skill with goal setting, internal motivation, and learning from my family’s history in athletics. They’ve always had my back, a love for the game, and the strongest urge to put up a challenge. I may have been the one putting up a challenge, but they fought hard too. I’ve known all along being an athlete and being raised by athletes was a blessing in disguise. I’m saying disguise because I genuinely thought it was a waste some of the time. But the motivation behind an athlete isn’t anyone’s only gift.

Every day, I jot down random thoughts, lyrics, and quotes in my phone’s notes. Rarely do I check up on how out of hand they’ve gotten. Unless, I’m trying to pick out a clever caption for an Instagram. Anyway, I looked back at one note today. It starts off with a quote, and a question. I had written the question, “story teller?” I know it’s not a full sentence but let’s pretend. I figured a few of these notes came after listening to the audiobook Grit by Angela Duckworth. This was quite a perplexing concept that I’ve continued to think deeply about. Because of my background in athletics, I’ve had the idea that only a certain breed would accept the required sweaty hugs, high fives, and love taps that come with sports. So, anyone that committed to a team would also show that same passion, commitment, motivation, and grit to life. Grit being defined as strength of character. Her concept was that only the truly gritty folks of the world could be the ones to achieve high level success. So, I want to think I’m full of grit. Don’t we all?

My perspective of athletes being those that could withstand 50 killers after an entire practice, hills after a speed workout, max lifts after a tiresome week, even yoga after a large portion of muscles feel like snapping. The amount of time pushing ones physical and mental abilities would create strength in character. So, I figured grit would come from athletics. I thought those sporty people would be the ones who were motivated to deal with the intense physical and emotional pressure. In return, those people should be able to handle management’s tasks or a project schedule.

After those messy thoughts, I had another statement. This one was where I had tried to find my grit. You all know running isn’t always my strong suit(*cough* me trying to quit track *cough* me not training for a half marathon). You might be thinking, “this girl is nuts, she runs more than any average person.” In reality, I don’t show grit for my running, because I’ll blow it off to do any other time consuming activity. So therefore, I’m not a truly motivated athlete. There goes my idea of that an athlete should be most successful in life. Another opportunity to show grit could be household chores. Do you load the dishwasher every day or even every week? Cause I sure as heck don’t. What about following through with plans? Nope, not gritty enough. I looked at all aspects of my life so far, my sports, my painting, my watching movies, being a golf phenom, travel, or whatever. I began to question if I had grit at all. What was the one thing I had never given up on and always had the motivation and passion to do more of? I had written in my notes, “My grit: story telling. In order to tell my story, or others, I have to do, having done, live, having lived. The more I step out of my comfort zone, try new things, the more I have to share. ”

I thought to myself after reading this for the first time in 2 weeks, what the frick was I getting at?! I realize now, when I come to bed, get up in the morning, throughout work, on my runs, or after doing 3 week old dishes, that my grit is sharing stories. Others may show grit with athletics, or their own unique passions. But whatever I do, even though it is not one specialized talent, I’m continuously telling a story. A story, only I can write. I may not be the most passionate about one specific aspect of my life like athletics, but all that I do, I can share.

Maybe being an athlete isn’t my end all be all, but having been an athlete and having been raised by athletes, I know my grit has come from my years of teamwork. To my family that continues to support me as I flounder: thank you from the bottom of my heart. To my teammates: you are some crazy mofos and I love you forever. To my mere group of readers and listeners: you motivate me every day to never give up, to slow down, to think outside the box, to grow, and to be uniquely me. The irony of the girl that was mocked every time she opened her mouth with comments like, “cool story, do you have time to tell it again?” Continues to share. That girl, feels the need to share endlessly. My story continues for all of you and my hope is that this can connect us in more ways than one. No one person is defined by one aspect of their life. So, we may be all over the board but we’re still playing the game.

Smart People

I heard someone say the other day, “That person is really smart. They read a ton of books.” I thought to myself about the amount of books I’ve read and how I could be perceived as smart. Do people even notice others reading books? Do other people still read anything other than media? Is reading a book what defines someone as smart?

I’ve dipped my toes in self help books and have found that to be surprisingly rewarding. I’ve read a few of my college textbooks and all of my liberal arts books as well. I also love a good business savvy book that holds the key to unlocking success. Just about every inside cover claims that. Only a few have held true to the bold statement. Having said that I’ve read books, is not why I claim to be smart by the way. Most of the time, I start a book, become fully engaged in it, try to talk to other people about it, and eventually move on to another without actually having finished. Same goes for a new series I try to watch on TV. I can sometimes stick with it, otherwise I find the next best option. My attention to movies on the other hand lasts until the resolution. Because everything is so clear in some films and novels, I am intrigued throughout the entirety of both. Yet, textbooks, self help or business books usually don’t have the, “grand moment,” or conclusion I’d really fall in love with.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the same idea happens in life. We all come to the point where we get bored with the page after page, day by day, motions of life. We can either move on to the next best thing, or stick with what is right in front of us. We may have come so far, dedicated so much time to it, but we think moving on seems so much smarter. Because, what is right in front of us requires a little bit more attention. Although it may not be the most grand stand, iconic, beautiful drama, there’s something to say for those that stick their nose in pages and finish the book.

My most recent love story wasn’t like the movies or novels that we’ve all read. It was more of a textbook type of love. It had all of the elements, but it required some hard work, a lull, some parts I hated, dreaded even. In the end, it wasn’t a grand moment that kept me around, I wanted what was right in front of me. I decided to work through the conflict and word problems of the textbook. I wasn’t looking for the next best thing in the relationship. Even though, I was looking for the next best career move, I stuck around. So, I worked hard for my relationship. I loved being fully absorbed in our relationship, enjoying whatever life had thrown at us. Even the job I wasn’t fully I love with, at least I had someone to share the pages with. I began to appreciate all of the little things in life. Just when you think you have what you want, someone else closes the book. His grand moment was not being captivated by our story. He saw a different ending, and wasn’t interested in finishing the book.

It’s strange isn’t it? How someone who has read books, moved on to the next best thing, and been perceived in so many ways, had been so stuck. Someone outside of our relationship had said to me, “I’ve dated girls like you before.” My mind blew. I am like no other person I have ever met. I took it as an insult. How dare some no good, cheat, tell me that I was like a girl he had dated?! After another month of my self help books, I began to feel thankful for that girl I was compared to. I was like another girl, we wanted to make something work, we would’ve done anything to stick with it, and find happiness in what was unfolding in front of us. Some may say reading books is for smart people, but really slowing down is for smart people.

Our life is not for someone else to control and close because they can’t slow down. Taking time to acknowledge and appreciate what you have developed in your life is incredible. I’m so thankful for women like me. Women who aren’t so quick to move on to the next best thing. An attitude for gratitude goes a long way. I’m so grateful for slowing down, and enjoying the small moments in this page turner of a life.

Wavy baby

Eight days and my story on this earth counts for twenty three years. Eight days on 8/18/18. The reality of it is that the universe works in mysterious ways and this might be one of my most memorable birthday’s. I’ve hit rock bottom at least eight times now, and this time; bottom feels different. I’m determined to get back on the wave. Both my sister and my mom have admitted that their most celebrated year was their 23rd. So, of course, I will put immense pressure on myself to have the best year possible. With that being said, this birthday will be memorable for multiple reasons.

First and foremost, not that I haven’t said this already, but I am a little weird. This time, I’ll explain how I’m weird about the number eight. I may have taken a few snowman’s on the golf course, but I still love the number(it’s probably better if you don’t know what I mean by that). As I was saying, the number eight has significance to me. I was born on 8/18 obviously, but it was 8:08 in the morning and I weighed 8lbs 8 ounces. Come on! Some sort of magic is being thrown at me on this specific birthday. If not, I’ll make some magic on my own and it will be memorable, gosh dammit.

Another reason to love this birthday is by the people I plan to spend it with. Every day, I spend time with people I love which I’m so grateful for, but they’ve made other plans to avoid my magical day(it’s fine, really). The universe works mysteriously and somehow this birthday feels the most, “meant to be moment,” and it hasn’t even happened yet. The feeling comes from more than my parents and siblings being absent from my day(it’s really okay, I swear). More than the pit in my stomach screaming in search of happiness. Yet, I will finally be able to spend this time with the most loving and fun people. It just so happens that one these people was one of the first to see me in the hospital when I was born too(888 coincidence)! It’s a sign that the moments we’ll share have been nothing but magical and will continue to do so.

One quote that speaks to me right now is, “Reality starts creeping toward you like the tide and that’s the first time you have thought, what do you do now?” This past year has hit me like the tide and I’ve explained the amount of questions that fill my head. I’m hoping to let go of these in the next 8 days. This upcoming year dedicated to fun will allow me to focus on the practice of loving, learning, and forgiving like never before. I’ve asked the questions and I’ve found the answers. I know where to find my more. The tide has come and gone. This will be the best year yet. Thank you, Universe, you’ve done it again.

Running Away

More often than not, when I chose to go for a run or work on my killer abs, it’s an escape(I don’t have killer abs). I feel as though I am running away from my problems. In those moments, I don’t care about anything but moving my legs and listening to my breath.

I started running again January 2nd, 2018. No, I didn’t make a New Years resolution, and no, it was not easy. After a 6month hiatus of competitive running, I really struggled to move my legs. I didn’t focus on my weight or what I was running for, I was just running. I could barely make it 2 miles, but I knew it didn’t matter how long, how fast, or how far I went. I didn’t have a goal. I thought about random topics whilst jogging on the treadmill in the “yoga studio” of my parents basement. I actually love the room my mom created. It has bright colored walls, big mirrors, and a nice view of the backyard. One topic that stuck with me was, “Why in the world am I running?” I had a hard time on the treadmill, I never felt fast, my toe nails would cause my toes to bleed, and I had many other projects I should’ve been doing. I figured, I might as well create a reason to run, otherwise it’ll become a reason to avoid my problems. So, on April 25th, I decided, I wanted to run a half marathon(13.1miles). I still hadn’t run more than 3 miles!

For the following 6 and a half weeks, I never focused on anything while running. I rarely even planned a run. My parents, family, friends and boyfriend would occasionally say, “aren’t you going to run today?” Which then I would, but I still felt as though I was running away from my problems. I would occasionally text back and forth with my race partner(my cousin). Where we would ask each other how we felt and question why we signed up for this madness. I always questioned if competitive running was worth it(I heard it’s good to ask questions, so maybe I’m okay). Lo and behold, I was able to complete Grandma’s half marathon in a time of 1:51:52.

Now that I’ve finished that half, I want more. I don’t want to run away from my problems anymore. I was able to accomplish that goal, without much effort. It also helped me stop thinking. It has helped me to run toward my goals again. I’m not a pitiful little 22 year old girl, with no aspirations. I truly do have the world at my figertips(quite literally, shout out to my professors that told me to blog, you’re amazing) I’m stronger than I think I am. About as strong as everyone thinks I am.

And my story continues.

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Let’s Be Real

After an extended period of time of not writing, I feel as though I have accomplished all, but nothing in those years. I had written about living in my parent’s basement. That’s still true. I had shared my love for being a chameleon. Still half true. I haven’t been able to create in new ways, so I’m giving myself another chance. I hope you will too.

I would like to keep telling the world, “I recently graduated with a Bachelor’s of Business Administration,” but it’s been about a year. I’d like to say, “I’m still really close with all of my college friends,” That’d be another way of bending the truth. Instead, I’m here to tell you the honest truth of a college graduate in a small town, with a small town degree.

There are plenty of successful people who were able to connect the dots and land their dream jobs. Even my brother was able to accept a position prior to graduation. Before college, I was confident that the only way to work after high school, was with a bachelor’s, or master’s degree in hand. Now, I have one of those and a whole ton of debt, working a job that requires a high school diploma. I don’t want to sound negative, or ungrateful. No matter the situation, it is difficult to find a job. I just want to share my story.

I competed on the track and cross-country teams four years in college, I took one season off (keep in mind there are three seasons per year). Each and every day I took time to practice my sport. After graduating, I had many connections from being an athlete. I believed, I could land a job on my own, so I rarely asked for a handout from my network. After working a post-graduate summer internship, I took a 6 week management trainee position, which would turn into an assistant manager position and hopefully a ladder effect from there. After 9 weeks without a position opening up, I did not want to waste anymore time on myself or with a company I wasn’t passionate about. I then took 4 months to apply for every job possible. I even had some interviews. I was excited about one of the jobs.. After three interviews, I was invited back for a fourth. In the meantime, I was offered my current position, which had nothing to do with my field, but it was guaranteed. I chose to take it, because at that point, I had bills to pay. I don’t regret evading that last interview, but I question the education system. Why was I told that my bachelor’s degree would get me anywhere? Why did I think my athletic network would help me land my dream job? Why did I take time to do everything, but work in college?

One of my closest friends, who’s still in college, is still so pure with hope. I’ve always believed in having that hope and faith in the system. Instead, I get angry that she’s excited about graduating, and landing a job. I want to shake her with all of my strength and tell her to work now, write now, create as soon as you can, because once you’re working the job you would’ve had before school, the excitement fades.

I’m taking this time to start creating again. After all, my co-workers have literally called me a, “weirdo,” out loud. It was eye-opening. I am a complete weirdo. I have so much going on inside my head, I want to share all of it. Bare with me through the tough reads, because I promise my story doesn’t stop here.

Change as a Good Thing

In case you don’t know me that well, I’ll fill you in on my changing habits. I am obsessed with change in general. It is something that is challenging and requires hard work to keep it going. I see change as an opportunity to do great things. It is also seen as a response to failure or an inclination of future failure. Being that change is such a broad term that can be used for many different occasions, I’ll stick to my favorite way of change.

As a 20 year old college student that lives with her parents, it is fairly hard to find ways and things to change. When I first started thinking about college, all I wished for was change. I looked at schools all over the nation in hopes of finding unfulfilled need for change in a quick switch of location. Although, I never really found location to have impacted me as greatly as I hoped it would. I found something else along the way. Being limited to my surroundings and rituals, I couldn’t just try something new. For example, I’m not going to take up dance again or ice fishing. My first month living back home, I bleached my hair. It was horrible. I thought the dark root thing was so in I left my roots untouched. Turns out, it was never that cute. From then on, I switched up the color of my hair quite often(probably 6 or 7 times in the last year).

People have told me to stop because my hair is going to fall out or, “It looks better when your hair is the way God intended it to be,”(dad, ugh going right for my soft spot). For a long time, I struggled to tell people why I was so obsessed with dyeing my hair. It’s not like every color I tried looked fantastic or bad that I had to find the right shade. I just needed change. I am challenged by the thought of a color not fitting my personality. It is the one thing I have complete control over and the least control over at the same time. I mean it’s not like I haven’t sought help from professionals to fix my mistakes. I can imagine how it could look in my head all I want, but when it comes down to it, my hair has the last say.

Changing my hair so much has allowed me to see the benefits, challenges(like who would hire a girl with blue in her hair), and happiness of change. I’m not searching for something but enjoying the process. I love being a little chameleon. I hope everyone can find their own favorite thing to change and see how happy it can make them feel(even if you cry about your unintended orange hair). Change is a good thing.