The Natalie Stauber

My sister was kind enough to share feedback regarding my behavior patterns recently and it got me thinking (more than my normal over-thinking-thinking). I tend to pride myself on being courageous even while others presume it to be risk taking. So, the more I thought about her feedback, I found it to be deeply meaningful and necessary.

Unpredictable. If someone were to label you unpredictable, how would you respond?

Volatile. If someone were to label your behavior as volatile, how would you respond?

I ask these questions because that’s what I asked myself. Even as I type this, I become aware of the scowl on my brow bone that has since formed my face into an angry exterior. This face was quite possibly the face my sister saw as she told me I was, not only, unpredictable, but my behaviors are volatile (if you haven’t googled the definition of volatile yet, I’ll have you know it’s not an exciting descriptor). I do not intend to have this image of anger on my face, but it comes with my thoughts. I have to think, not only about how I am choosing to respond to her words, her feelings, and her experience, but now that I am aware of this burning scowl my thoughts have created on my face, I have to tell my face to relax, and sort through her perception of me at the same time. Read that again because I just had to as well (might be a run on and I’m fully aware).

Whether my face says it, or not, I am not angry about feedback. I am curious. I am so curious about people’s perception it throws me for one hell of a loop. So much so, that I analyze my every behavior down to the very moment I became angry with men (ha that sounds funny to say out-loud).

My unpredictability is not planned. It is simply an expression of my anger at men. I would like also to be very clear, this anger is not from one man, not from a multitude of men, but from the American societal construction of what a man should be. Which, I find is not men, at all. I am in fact angry at how men and women must behave in order to fit in society’s expectations.

I have absolutely zero clue what I am doing when I scowl at my sister as she tells me I can act with extreme volatility. How can I be so unaware of this? Well, the easy answer is, I am unlike my sister, BUT that’s what makes us individuals. That is also what allows me to be inspired by her communication with me. Take a look at the person next to you, how can you learn from them? How about an intimate partner or loving older sister or brother, are you able to listen (without scowling) effectively? Can we as humans become more aware of what is truly driving our action just by listening to the people who love us?

I’ll volunteer first to do so.